When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
New comic up. “Ransom”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
We need more people like this.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.