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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My dad teaching me to drive
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
buying dead houseplants to save time
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
#FunnyLife Insects
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.