brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Had an epiphany today.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair