It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!