The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Spring cleaning checklist…
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.