*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75