Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
when you are just born a rebel
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical