Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Was it something I said?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.