Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
sry
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise