A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
thanks auntie mary
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.