Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
You Might Also Like
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Hotels are back
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.