“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here