Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
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Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
2022 will be better than 2021
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that