Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
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My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0