“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so