I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Yup….perfect score!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
constantly working on myself.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.