mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
You Might Also Like
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When ur friends with white people
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know