Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
my dog when i have a friend over
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.