My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
She was REALLY feeling it.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.