Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
You Might Also Like
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.