My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?