I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
You Might Also Like
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
oppen heimer style lol
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.