My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.