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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
and now we wait
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
It was worth a shot 😂
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.