Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
You Might Also Like
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called