HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.