Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
two people or more is called a problem
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream