My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
There are usually two types of merchants.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”