ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My blood type is coffee.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.