RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The Backseat Boys
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
This story is comedy gold 😂
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all