me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
A wise man once said nothing.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”