People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Basically.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.