Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.