Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
estão todos miauvindo?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.