When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
You Might Also Like
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time