Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.