My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD