My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: