Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife