just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
They must have gotten it to go.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?