Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Ain’t no way
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
*serious situation*
My brain:
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.