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*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
When can I start eating bats again.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Ugh
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion