You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.