Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.