COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday