kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language