I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.