On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The pen is writier than the sword.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone