Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
💯😂
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?