Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.